Raising Good Kids

Mob Justice

There’s a guy from my high-school class I wish I could find. If I could locate him, I’d beg his forgiveness. I’d apologize for being mercilessly cruel to him back in sophomore year. He was different, and in our insecurity, many of us ended up teasing and taunting him as if he were not a boy like the rest of us, with a heart and soul and feelings. Somehow our minds reduced him to only that difference, only that distinguishing slur of speech that we mocked in order to make ourselves feel superior–if only for a moment.

Kids can be cruel. I know it from my own experience years ago of dishing it out as well as receiving it. And I’ve seen my own children agonizing over cruelties imposed by others and rueing their own acts of insensitivity that blew up in their faces.

Like many, my parental instincts make it hard for me to believe that my children would ever be that mean, ever tease mercilessly, ever harangue a classmate or taunt a kid on the outs. And, individually, neither of my daughters would probably ever be purposely cruel.

But get any one of us in a group, and we’re able to do things unimaginable on our own. There’s a power in groups that can take you over, especially if you’re desperately longing to be accepted and belong. In such a state, it’s easy to lose sight of your values and do what the group–openly or tacitly–is calling you to do. Think back on your own life in grammar school and high school. I’ll bet you can remember at least one memory that makes you wince, one time when you got carried away by the enthusiasm of the group and acted against your own best judgment and values.

And so it’s important to teach our children that it’s wrong to tease, that it’s wrong to ostracize and make fun of other kids–especially if they’re different. But it’s also important to teach them about how easy it is to get carried away in groups. Help them to build an awareness and thus a defense against mob psychology. Help them to strengthen their own sense of self so they can resist going along with the crowd. Talk to your kids about the power of groups and about ways they can maintain personal responsibility in a group situation, e.g., use humor, call for a reality check, create a diversion, picture yourself on the receiving end, bring the targeted person’s humanity into the group’s consciousness.

And if your child winds up hurting someone else, coach him or her to ask forgiveness and make amends right away. It’s not easy, but two people will be relieved of the pain–the person your child hurt and your child who may, years later, be left hoping to one day run into an old schoolmate to try to set things right.

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