Raising Good Kids

The Choice Is Theirs

When conflicts with our kids deteriorate into chronic no-win skirmishes it’s easy to focus on what it is in our kids we want to change. But in The Anger Workbook (Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1993), authors Les Carter, Ph.D. and Frank Minirth, M.D. advise, "Rather than wondering, ‘How can I get the child to behave so I can be composed?’ [parents] can ask themselves, ‘How can I be composed so I can get the child to behave?’"

The book contains a chapter on teaching your child to manage his or her anger. Suggestion: "Let choices and consequences shape the child."

Kids learn more in the laboratory of real life than they learn sitting in the parental lecture hall. So cut back on the sermons and help your children learn from the consequences of their actions. "Children need to feel competent to manage their own anger," say Carter and Minirth.

"With that in mind, parents can toss the ball into their court by asking questions such as, ‘What do you think can be done about this?’ Or, ‘What options do you have?’ In this subtle way the parent communicates confidence in the child."

The authors describe a common situation: A younger child comes whining that her older brother is bothering her. In such a situation parents might be tempted to think for their children–a mistake that merely increases anger all around.

The authors suggest placing the problem back in the child’s lap, offering to serve as a resource, of course. Say something like: "I see that you’re feeling frustrated because Jason shows you no respect. What options do you have to manage this frustration?" The child may continue to whine and say, "I don’t know." But, they say, "Don’t take the bait." Agree that this may not be an easy problem to solve but that "you always have choices." Certain of those choices have consequences that you, the parent, will apply (e.g., if you slug your brother, you stay in for the rest of the day; if you choose to get away from him, I’ll be glad to make brownies with you as an alternative).

"Using choices and consequences can be more time-consuming for parents," say Carter and Minirth, "but the child becomes more responsible and is forced to think about the direction of his or her emotions. . . . Ultimately the child becomes an initiator of healthy behavior rather than just one who lives according to someone else’s dogma."

Back to Raising Good Kids Index