Practical Parenting Ideas

Give them your blessing

We all want approval from our parents, no matter how old we are. I’ve talked to people in senior citizen homes who still ache because their father or mother never conveyed a sense of acceptance and approval. What we crave at our core is what Gary Smalley and John Trent call a blessing, a ritual of deep relationship illustrated time and again in the Bible.

In their book, The Blessing (Pocket Books, 1986), Smalley and Trent look to the Bible for wisdom on how to give children "the blessing" they need to grow well. As a Catholic I take a different tack regarding biblical interpretation, but I couldn’t agree more with the authors’ assessment that "When . . . parental approval doesn’t get communicated well, the results can be tragic." This can include a tendency toward workaholism or under-achievement, chronic depression, and even suicide.

On the positive side, effectively conveying your blessing on your child opens up a world of satisfying relationships, accomplishments, and joy. Borrowing from biblical example, the authors outline five elements of blessing that you can incorporate into your relationship with your child:

1. meaningful touch. Most sacramental moments involve significant touch that conveys a transfer of power, energy, healing, or strengthening for a mission. At the same time, meaningful touch communicates love and personal acceptance. In the home this can take the form of hugs, a firm, prolonged handshake, walking down the street arm in arm, or even tracing the sign of the cross on your child’s head.

2. A spoken message. Our kids desperately need to hear from us, and not just nagging. They need to hear why we believe in them and what we value. Too often kids get silence or distraction from us. Smalley and Trent warn that overactivity robs children of our presence and robs us of the chance to know them well enough to speak a language that touches their hearts. Children who get only silence from their parents interpret that to mean they are unworthy of attention, that something’s wrong with them. It can set them on a lifelong search for approval.

3. attaching high value to the one being blessed. Speak about one of your child’s specific positive traits. For example, "You bring light and joy with you wherever you go." Or, "You keep your integrity even when others pressure you to cave in." Express your appreciation for his or her potential. This shouldn’t be a prediction (e.g., I know you’ll be a doctor just like your grandfather). Rather it should reflect awareness that this child is a work in progress, someone developing with mighty potential for good.

4. Picturing a special future for the one being blessed. Our kids need hope that the world holds a place for them. You can illuminate a path of promise for them based on their true gifts. For example say, "I can see that your gift for music is going to bring the world a lot of joy."

5. An active commitment. This means you are declaring your intention and willingness to do whatever it takes to fulfill this blessing for your child. You promise to be there to guide, support, coach, and do whatever it takes to help your child achieve a worthy future. You vow to tend to his or her best interests, which you will discover by becoming a student of your child.

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