Practical Parenting Ideas

Beware of cave-ins

Feeling guilty lately about how much time you’re spending (or not spending) with your kids? If so, you’re not the only one.

An article in Smart Families from Family University notes that children doing chores around the house has gone the way of the dinosaur. The culprit? According to famed pediatrician and author T. Berry Brazelton, it’s less time and parental guilt. "Adults today are so torn about the demands on their own time that they are reluctant to push their own children too far." This is bad for parents (who get no help with household tasks), and, more important, it’s bad for kids (who fail to learn that their help is needed and valued).

Our kids are falling prey to the consumer culture, fueled by incessant commercials and by–surprise!–parents who buy, buy, buy whatever kids now feel are essential to their immediate gratification. Forty Beanie Babies? Why, sure, honey. A new television for a 10-year-old? Of course. If I feel pangs of guilt at not spending enough time with my kids, perhaps a spending spree will prove my love.

Even our kids’ sleep can suffer because of our guilt. In his book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child (Fawcett, 1987), Dr. Marc Weissbluth says: "Please don’t let your guilt about being away so much during the day cause you to keep the child up too late, to reinforce night wakings for sweet nocturnal private time with your baby, to cause nap deprivation on weekends when you cram in too many activities."

These three situations speak to the same problem. Many of us are haunted by the sinking feeling that our kids crave more time with us–time we fear we don’t have because of other demands. So we end up buying more things or letting our kids off easy on the chores or bending them to our schedules. We cave in to demands to keep them happy–or to keep the guilt at bay. None of these responses is good for our kids. None of them addresses the reality (which you know in your gut) that what your kids really want is you–to play a game, take a walk, read the comics, help on homework, even clean up the kitchen together.

Here’s what Michael Gurian, author of A Fine Young Man, said in an interview with AHF: "If as a parent I’m feeling guilty and now I’m starting to cave in to the kid, that’s the signal for me to increase how much love and attention I’m giving to him or her. It’s a useful signal because it shows me I’m starting to flirt with giving up my authority, my structure, my discipline. Step back. Don’t. Find a way to spend more time with your kid. Part of what kids do is test to see whether they can trust us, and if we cave in, the child loses trust in us."

Maybe your guilt is nudging you to reevaluate your work situation, or maybe the answer is as simple as carving out some rock-solid times to spend with family each week, time you can all count on. Once you’ve done the very best you can, your guilt has done its work and can be sent on its way.

A guilty conscience can be a great gift, because guilt is there to tell us something. But sometimes we don’t get the message straight. Our kids are asking for bread. Let’s not hand them a stone.

Or worse, a Beanie Baby. (by Catherine O’Connell-Cahill)

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