Family
Challenges
You can positively
influence kids' sexual behavior
Hundreds of times this
week your children will be told that recreational sex is:
1) no big deal, 2) their
right, 3) free of negative consequences, 4) something everyone (except
dullards and nerds) is doing, 5) a quick way to fulfillment, 6) the
best possible way to get close to another person they're just getting
to know.
Many parents feel there's
no way they can hope to counter these messages. They're wrong. Recent
studies show just how much power parents have to influence the actual
behavior of their children -- positively or negatively.
Steven Saso, head of the
Religion Department at Bellarmine High School in San Jose, California,
listens to teenagers and talks to parents. In an audio tape of one
of his parent presentations he outlines five steps parents can take
to encourage sexual responsibility. He was talking to parents of high-school
freshmen, but you can begin to adapt and apply these steps even when
your children are younger.
1. Parents need
to be clear about our own values; we need to clearly and unambiguously
declare our beliefs about the purpose and meaning of sexuality within
relationships. What values do I hold, what values does my church hold,
what values would a wise society hold? Tell your children.
2. We need to educate
ourselves and our children on the harmful effects of early sexual
involvement. Some parents fear being seen as puritanical prudes, and
thus never acknowledge or communicate that there are real and serious
dangers that accompany early sexual involvement. There's an alarming
rise in sexually transmitted diseases among adolescents, some of which
can lead to infertility or death. Beyond physical dangers, premature
sexual involvement often brings about fear of true intimacy, spiritual
diminishment, and deep emotional scars that can last a lifetime as
well. But Saso realizes that warnings alone will not stop kids from
giving into sexual pressure. Teens always think "It wonÕt happen
to me." Thus he goes on to his other three points.
3. Parents need
to set limits and generate family guidelines that support our kids
in not becoming sexually active. Set definite rules for when your
children can date, have friends over, attend parties. Monitor what
they watch on television and where they go on the internet. This is
where being the parent of a teenager takes courage, says Saso. Though
setting strict rules may cause no end of argument, on some issues
you need to say, "That's simply the rule in our house" and
let that be the end of it. Beneath it all, our children want and need
clear guidelines to keep them out of harm's way.
4. Hold ongoing
conversations about sex, love, marriage, dating, and relationships.
Don't let this be a taboo topic in your home and at your table. Adolescents
and preadolescents are curious and often confused about the world.
Their heads contain an odd mix of information way beyond their years
(thanks to TV talk shows that highlight the aberrant) and naivete.
You can help them put this confusing array of information in context
by engaging in regular, open conversations. Use news stories and real
events to spur discussions about risky behaviors, the importance of
commitment, what you think it takes to make a relationship work, etc.
Saso says the daily newspaper or nightly newscast will always provide
an opener. Make sure you voice your positive thoughts and not just
your disapproval.
5. We need to let
our children know that if they make choices that go against our values
we will always love them and support them. We will help them take
responsibility for their choices and be accountable for the consequences.
Our love is unconditional. This and other audio workshops for parents
are available from Saso Seminars at 408-262-6837.
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