Family Challenges

Parents don't need to be perfect

Lots of parents struggle with the question of just how good they have to be to be a good enough parent. Sometimes the drive for perfection takes the joy out of life and even our most precious relationships.

Father William Burke knows about the burden of perfectionism. It was a primary factor that led him to a major bout with depression. He generously chronicles his journey from depression to hope in a wonderful book, Protect Us from All Anxiety (ACTA Publications, 1999). Here's an excerpt:

"I am a perfectionist, which I should declare as honestly as a member of AA announces, 'I am an alcoholic.' A perfectionist is ill, trying desperately to live an impossible life. And if you want to torment a perfectionist, ask him or her to do what my spiritual director asked me to do: keep a journal.

"Agony, pure and stark -- unmitigated horror! For there in my own (imperfect) handwriting is a daily record of incompetence: stupid ideas, half-baked resolutions, pathetic attempts at insight, even a log of my mostly pedestrian dreams. No sooner do I finish an entry than I read it over with disgust. My anger at this ridiculous exercise grows by the day."

'I'm a lousy journal keeper -- or whatever you call it,' I tell my spiritual director with some heat. 'I can't seem to get the hang of it -- whatever the hell youÕre supposed to do.'

"'Supposed to do?' he asks, expressionless."

'Come on,' I tell him. 'You wouldn't ask me to do this goofy thing if you didn't have a reason. What am I supposed to be learning?'

"'Why do you think youÕre so bad at it?' he asks.

'Look at it,' I say. 'Look at this page, for instance, from last week. I honestly can't believe I wrote that. It's like it was written by somebody else.'

"'Maybe it was,' he replies.

"There is a long silence in the room."

Perhaps the first casualty of perfectionism is our own authenticity. Many parents are afflicted with a sense that we're somehow messing up in the job of raising our kids. In our fear of failure, we may be tempted to retreat and send in someone we think is better than us, a false version of ourselves we hope is more suitable to the task.

Our self-criticism can make us overly critical of or remote from our children or too competitive with other parents (who otherwise might be helpful companions on this new journey of discovery). Is there a way to be ourselves? First, realize that you can retain your desire to be a good parent even while you let go of an ill-advised need to be a perfect parent. When you find yourself trying for perfection (from yourself or your children), stop and relax. Concentrate on presence rather than perfection. Take a deep breath as you make an attempt to connect, person-to-person. Rather than working to make everything appear perfect on the surface, get to the heart of things (closeness and connection with your kids) to experience that, while life is never perfect, indeed all is well.

 

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