Family Challenges

Tots are Nondivorceable

Families are an intricate collection of relationships. Even a small change in one part of family life will affect the well-being of the whole family. Therefore divorce, a disruption with major consequences, affects everyone, even the youngest members of the family. Here are ten tips suggested by Sara Bonkowski Ph.D. in her new book, Tots are Nondivorceable, that may be helpful to parents trying to deal with the ramifications of divorce in their relationships with their children:

1. Take care of yourself -- physically, emotionally, and spiritually. The disillusionment of the divorce may have triggered a questioning of your religious beliefs. If you reject them, both you and your children will experience the additional loss of a spiritual base at a time when it is most needed.

2. Let go of intense anger toward your former spouse (your child's other parent). If you are not ready to give up your hate, then please try to set this as a future goal.

3. Try to build a co-parenting relationship with your former spouse. The children who fare best are those whose parents can discuss matters that pertain to the children.

4. Provide and encourage alternative sources of support for your child. Bonkowski mentions grandparents, family, friends, and even pets, can be an important source of loving presence and support.

5. Encourage, but do not force, your child to express his or her feelings. Children sometimes can be open about their feelings with someone other than their parents. Do not take it as a personal slight.

6. Expect your child to have some feelings that are different from yours. Permit your child to view the divorce from his or her own perspective.

7. Do things with your child. It may seem like there is little time to do fun activities. (But) this type of attention will demonstrate that despite the divorce your children are going to continue to be cared for.

8. Do things with people other than your child. Be careful not to let your child become the only person in your life.

9. Encourage your child to develop and master his or her emerging abilities. Be in tune with your child and encourage him or her to build a base of experiences that will lead to becoming a self-confident adult.

10. If either you or your child is having difficulties, a professional counselor can help.

Tots are Nondivorceable is the third in a series by Bonkowski including Kids are Nondivorceable (ages 6 - 11), and Teens are Nondivorceable (ages 12 - 18). They're available through Acta Publications at 1-800-397-2282

 

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