Practical Parenting Ideas

Make Room

It’s interesting that in their book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk (Avon Books, 1991), Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish begin with advice on how to be a better listener. The talking advice comes later. Their point is to listen not only to the words but to listen to and make room for your child’s feelings as well.

Be aware now that I’m not saying you need to satisfy your child’s every spoken need and overcome every negative feeling. All you’re asked to do in the first step is to make room for and acknowledge your children’s feelings.

Faber and Mazlish’s suggestions include: 1. Listen quietly and attentively. 2. Acknowledge their feelings with a word, e.g., "Oh, Mmmm, I see." 3. Give the feeling a name, e.g., "That sounds frustrating!" 4. Playfully grant the child’s wishes in fantasy, e.g., "I wish I could make the banana ripe for you right now!"

Here’s an example from their book on how to give the feeling a name. Compare a typical response with their proposed one:

Child: My turtle is dead. He was alive this morning.

Parent: Now don’t get so upset, honey. (The child begins to cry.)

Parent: Don’t cry, it’s only a turtle.

Child: Wah!

Parent: Stop that! I’ll buy you another turtle.

Child: I don’t want another one!

Parent: Now you’re being unreasonable!

Compared to . . .

Child: My turtle is dead. He was alive this morning.

Parent: Oh no. What a shock.

Child: He was my friend.

Parent: To lose a friend can hurt.

Child: I taught him to do tricks.

Parent: You two had fun together.

Child: I fed him every day.

Parent: You really cared about that turtle.

Think about your own self at work, with your spouse, or with friends. Isn’t it powerful when someone "gets" what you’re talking about–not only the words but the feelings? Instead of being offered advice, barraged with questions or argued out of your feelings, being heard and understood gives you the space and confidence to deal with what you’re wrestling with. Try this style with your kids, and you’ll find that conversations that used to turn into squabbles may lead somewhere wonderful.

Back to Parenting Ideas Index