Good question, Bridget.
It reminded me why parents might be tempted to duck any kind of religious
discussion with their kids at all. Inevitably such talk will lead
to the most troubling and fundamental questions about life, like,
"Why does a good God let people suffer?"
But it's important to welcome
such questions from our kids and take them seriously. Otherwise, like
unanswered questions about sex, they'll be left to puzzle over these
questions alone, or they'll turn to crude and unreliable sources for
answers.
But saying it's important
to take their questions seriously doesn't mean you have to be the
religious version of the Shell Answer Man (or woman). Our children
have to find their own answers over time. Our job as parents is simply
to encourage the process, provide them with good, reliable information
about their faith, and, most effective of all, share with them our
own process of coming to faith. Religious maturity requires wrestling
with mystery and the ability to maintain certainty in the midst of
uncertainty. Don't try to shield your child from it. Your willingness
to talk such questions over is the best lesson you can give. Here
are a few ideas on what to do when tough religious questions arise:
1. RESPECT THEIR QUESTIONS.
Don't dismiss or try to cajole them out of their (and your) discomfort.
Make room for it. Sit with it, the way you might sit before the Eucharist.
Tell your child that these mysteries have plagued humans from the
beginning of time.
2. DON'T OFFER EASY ANSWERS.
In fact, don't try to answer right away. Ask more questions. Let your
child talk. Maybe this issue is connected to another one that is the
real trouble.
I once had a student in
class who was anxious about heaven and hell. Questioning her after
class, it became clear she was worried about her father, who had died.
He'd had a turbulent life, and she feared he was in hell. We talked
about the many good things her father had done. She came to recognize
that although her father led a troubled life, she could forgive him
his trespasses and still love him. Wasn't it likely that God would
be even more abounding in forgiveness? She went away with a deeper
grasp of the balance between justice and God's mercy.
3. BE WILLING TO ADMIT
THAT THERE ARE ALSO MANY THINGS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. Rather than
being a cop-out or a dodge, this is valuable information for your
children. When their own questions arise, they will know that wrestling
with such questions is part of being authentically religious. Selectively,
as is appropriate for your child's age and maturity, share some of
your own questions about the nature of God's ways.
4. LEARN FROM JOB. The
biblical story of Job, the righteous man who nonetheless suffered,
tells us something about the kind of answer our deepest questioning
might elicit. When Job brought his dismay forcefully to God, God responded
by in turn showing up in power, splendor, and might. Rather than an
argument, Job had an encounter. Granted, this is likely not the kind
of answer a young child can fully comprehend, but if they know that
you understand their question (and are attuned to their fear and worry),
and yet you still are solid in your belief, they will get an answer
they can grow with in wisdom, age, and grace.
