Family Spirituality

Live in the solution

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

When you become a parent there’s no end to the worries that can cross your mind. But often, worry is unproductive at best, and distracting, paralyzing, and harmful at worst.

What’s a better response than worrying? Stephen Covey, in his new Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families, recommends the serenity prayer. (Interesting to note: Covey says he discovered his famous seven habits, which are applied widely in business, in the give-and-take of his own family life.)

Covey applies the well-known prayer to his first principle of effective parenting, "Be proactive." He helpfully breaks life down into our circle of concern (situations we can only worry about) and our circle of influence (situations we can actually do something about). If you’re honest, you’ll recognize that your circle of concern will be about people, places, and things outside yourself. Your circle of influence, though aware of others, is limited to what you can take action on. I find it tempting to spend more time griping about the things I cannot change while overlooking those things I can do something about. No wonder the prayer ends with a plea for wisdom to know the difference.

One way to check if you’re acting in your circle of influence is to watch your language. Compare the language of blaming and accusing that can tip you off that you’re in your circle of concern ("I can’t believe the way these kids are misbehaving. They’re driving me crazy!") vs. proactive language indicating you’re in your circle of influence ("I can help create rules in our family that will enable the children to learn about the consequences of their behavior. I can look for opportunities to teach and reinforce positive behavior.").

To be truly proactive, consider Covey’s great concept of the emotional bank account, which "represents the quality of the relationship" you have with family members. You make deposits by doing those things that build trust in the relationship. Or, says Covey, you can make "withdrawals" by reactively doing things that decrease the level of trust.

Account builders include apologizing and forgiving, making and keeping promises, random acts of kindness. Why not make a promise that for one week you’ll make twice as many deposits as withdrawals in your children’s accounts. You’ll see a change in your relationship with your child that’s worth a million bucks.

Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families (Golden Books, 1997). TJM

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